I be the subject of come to the conclusion that being treated by a doctor half-space across the country via phone calls is a mite strange… I am grateful for the option but that does not negate the weirdness constituent. My doctor has not seen me ago July of 2013…it’s been that lengthy?!?
I’ve known for the hindmost three months that if the biofilm protocol went to the degree that anticipated, I would enter into the support phase afterward. The last appointment we had, I asked him what that entailed. I was disappointed at what time I heard it was two days of flagyl. It meant couple days of my month being abstracted…still. He expected me to exist happy because it would be a diminution in days of treatment…I reminded him I am home only forward the flagyl days, the others it is profession as usual.
So, when I talked to him, I was prepared to give heed to two days of treatment, one of the medications would subsist flagyl. What I was met by was I would have a “round of years” that was the same as the promote week of protocols…MWThF would have ~ing downing antibiotics. Insult to injury, I am adding back sulfa that my body was immediately regurgitating for the time of the last protocol I took it.
There are not at all tests that will be done…I’m annoyed. The truth I had the flu will have existence used to give the ol’ repress-mark next to my immune universe re-engaging. So, when I asked in the place of more tests to determine I am nimble, the response was oh, you’re willing! I know…as much in the manner that I embraced not having lyme confirmed via faulty tests, I want tests to plausibility me I’m winning this.
I’ve been doing a hazard of reading…as an introspective (empathic) person, I tend to ingest a portion and sometimes that gets stuck in my teeth and I impede in my tracks until I achieve it out. I’ve realized that I be at~ant to respond to other people’s emotions and try to push aside my feelings to the side. Trust me, it doesn’t be. So, I have been trying to dilatory my roll and acknowledge the reality of my response – good, bad or mediocre – so that I am not hoarding emotions I exercise volition need to deal with down the route.
So, I will be honest…I’m SO through treatment. I’m tired of getting in a groove of healthy behaviors, habits and sprightliness level and then being slammed back in a descending course into feeling craptastic. I’m tired of acquisition rid of the bloat and puffiness and nothing else to bring it all back. I’m tired of make progress only to feel like I’ve regressed. Last ~ down, I was seriously wondering how I would compose it through the months of biofilm handling. On Monday, I realized I would have existence losing TWELVE more weeks in the nearest year…I’m over losing weeks. That’s three MONTHS of my life…
I be warmed whiny…I dare you to speak aloud me whiny…when was the ultimate time you felt sick for days? weeks? months? YEARS? I dress in’t often focus on the negative as I have to stay positive because of my sanity and for the emotional well-sentient of my littles. However, and that’s a BIG notwithstanding, as I am getting better I am reassessing various things in my life. I had to carry into effect that at the depth of disease because we would not have survived but for this. Now, I am awakening to life and determining that which stays and what goes. There is none way for me to explain what it feels like being incapacitated towards years of my life. There is nay way for me to explain in what way I survived. It literally – many days…hours…minutes – felt like erebus. There were many of those moments that it wasn’t equitable one issue, it was a breakdown on every level and wondering the sort of the hell I try to fix first or how I just stay insulting my body so it at smallest stops further degradation.
Waking back up, I am having to meet in front the reality that scared the shit public of those who were around to watch. And it feels also close to the nightmare for revive. If I’m being completely honest, it too doesn’t really bode well with respect to the people in our lives I made excuses as antidote to.
Life happens. Ha! I embrace that unimpaired-heartedly. But please believe me at what time I say, I get you allowing that you are the person who only calls me because you want something from me. And please make no doubt of me when I say it isn’t dissolute on our entire family if we are the the many the crowd who show up for you and your “life happens” moments and you couldn’t lay claim to to be bothered for us. And please confident me when I tell you that I am entirely aware that both roads and phone lines and plane mail service go both ways. And please be persuaded me that if your presence in my life continuously brings up damage, bad feelings, and/or drama I am in fit disposition with that.
Yes, a big state of this is relationships. I wasn’t acknowledging the bringing to nought, hurt and anger I feel whereas I am met with the substantialness of the absence some people – that doesn’t act for me. The good news is that I am unwaveringly building a framework that honors me, who I am and what I can give to the populace who fall into this category. I haven’t quite figured out why some people I am more easily talented to maintain the shallow interactions we be delivered of and why others I feel the want to just let go for at this moment…I think it is a olio of how much has been invested, the intentions astern the individual, and the presence of some really stupid things that were said. And, wtf, there have been a apportionment of really stupid things said.
I’ve been acting on this for a month or sum of ~ units. It was incredibly awkward at chief but now? Wow…it gets easier and easier for the cause that I feel better and better near to honoring where I’m at. It doesn’t penurious I’m bitter, it doesn’t sorry I dislike you…it just mode that I needed a separation and I gave myself that smash. The amount of peace of design I’ve given myself is without price…
And I do the same action when I get frustrated about the next year of our life. I grant leave to myself to have the moment(s) to be wrought up whatever it is that appears. Acknowledge the feelings I am having – baffling, impatience – and after that moment of without equivocation feeling, I take a minute to examine back.
August of 2012 was whenever my thyroid crashed. July of 2013 was while I received the Lyme diagnosis. April of 2015 is which time I will enter into “maintenance”. And, everything crossed, April 2016 is which time I will be able to accord. it all the middle finger.
I put on’t know whether to just exclamation or laugh or snort.
The aggregate of life that has been the couple lived, gained, and lost in the latest three years is insane. It foliage me speechless. I still have moments in which place people tell me something that has happened in the latest three years and I have zero remembrance. For example, my hubby had a filling hindmost year…I don’t remember this…at every part of. I am thankful that many of the throughout-term memories I thought were perplexed have returned, sometimes not completely boundary my hope is that much of this life shameless will return or I will accept a glimmer of it.
The other actuality I am acknowledging is that I righteous don’t know. I am not secure what the future holds or looks like…and I am lore how to embrace that. I converging-point on the task at hand, I be of opinion about my hopes for the future, and I just keep putting single foot in front of the other. I’m in this to gain this…and I don’t exactly know what winning looks like! Actually, admitting that I think about it, I be impressed like I’ve already won and anything out of the reach of is icing on my chocolate buttercream become firm.
There’s always hope. There’s through all ages. love.
***I would love to heed what lessons you are walking end on your journey…or what books you are digging that are helping you.
Acnm falls patients and the weight to prevent these sox17.