Todays gists are tight.I gain never laughed so much all at formerly.
Please make sure you read total….So funny!
My best gist is in the highest degree kept secret for fair play.
GIST NUMBER 1
MY Experience With Cannabis (Igbo)
This happened some few years back.
I had fit moved out of my friends house and was sharing a room through a ‘friend’. I had no idea he smoked weed despite his distrustful movement and signature weed scent (abi fragrance?) barely two weeks after moving in through him, my worst fears were confirmed considered in the state of he started bringing home his weed smoking buddies and they would occasionally roll a wrap and smoke it up~ there in the room or commingle the weed with beans or spaghetti.
Being a curious person I always wondered what made them rejoiced after smoking. so I decided to discover out for my self (wrong awaken)
It was a very hot lifetime in February, a Saturday i imagine it was, my friend was aloud as usual. I searched everywhere because his stash but couldn’t notice it so i decided to endurance and get mine. I arrived the weed joint all sweaty and nervous, half expecting to get mugged but insignificant person seemed to be aware of my air there, they were all on diverging planets all expect one i concluded that he be necessitated to be the seller so i approached him and the following familiar discourse ensued:
Me: how far?
Weed seller: i dey
Me: i wan corrupt weed
Weed seller: how many bundle?
Me: parcel ke? Iro oo, na upright small i need
Weed seller: laughs certainly hard. bolo leleyi sha(meaning this dowdy is a dunce oo)
Apparently, a plot of weed is that small muffle, i didn’t know that. I consideration it was something very large.
I gave him 1000naira and he gave me a dwarfish wrap of weed with a wan paper, i was suprised when he gave me 950 of the same kind with change. I couldn’t beleive rid was that cheap.
On my fashion home, i decided not to smoke it but mix it with beans on this account that i thought that it will have existence better that way(another wrong bring forward). Long story short, i cooked beans and added the entire weed, ate it and called my loved, i told him ogbeni i reasonable ate weed oo and nothing happened to me this undivided that you people will eat and subsist feeling funky, i don chop am oo. My confidant was like ehen you be vivid man oo
I decided to take a nimble nap before doing laundry, i woke up in all parts of 20 minutes later on the floor i was banging my head put ~ the floor, and i couldn’t restrain, my heart beat was so audible and quickly, everything was extra bright and extra loud. After a few minutes of beginning banging, i was able to make acquisition up from the floor,
I felt because if i had just gained audience to a part of my regard with submission that I never knew existed before, it was scary and cool at the corresponding; of like kind time. I could feel the vital fluid flowing in my veins(you get to experience it to believe it. Though I violently advise against it) i felt in the way that uncomfortable in the room, it felt like i was in ~y oven suddenly a voice in my origin whispered ogbeni bo aso e joor (against your clothes) i obeyed. The tone came again oya sa re(at present run) that was when i realised that the extirpate had taken effect so i beyond all question to take a shower to attend if it will calm me from a high to a low position, but the water felt so of high temperature on my skin so hot i ran away of the bathroom.
I called my dear companion to see if he could support me make sense of what was going put ~ but he laughed at me, he asked me the category of weed i took and i told him i used a entire parcel, he said guyyyyy you don eff up if you no rest in the next 30mins, you avaunt mad oo go chemist make you power explain yourself.
By this time things had escalated, i had a simple itch at the back of my place of honor that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard i scratched and i was convinced that the basting in my chest was an calamity spirit that could only be killed by a punch. I ran to my neighbour vindicator and told him champion e jo e gayety mi lese laya(champion pls thrust me in the chest) ti e ba gbami lese laya mo ma ku oo(admitting that you don’t punch me i bequeath die oo) he hissed and walked gone ~ having had enough of such inanity from the boys in the boys quatters.
The tone in my head came again iwo na o de gba ara e lese laya abi o ti fe ku ni(why don’t you punch yourself in the chest or do you want to die?) i punched and punched on the other hand there was no difference.
The concern was getting hotter, the voice in my chief was getting louder, the itch in my be pointed was getting worse, and the misery spirit in my chest was acquirement louder. Then came the voice another time oya ma sare lo(start running) thus i started running but on acquisition outside in the sun, i felt in the same state cold i was shivering but that didn’t hinder me from running(i would own given husain bolt a run instead of his money on that day).
On acquisition to the chemist, i realised i was detected footed, i told him i had a stern headache i needed something to constitution me sleep immediately, he gave me the medicine and i chewed it right in that place in his presence, next i asked him to give me a drug for evil spirit, that was when he realised a part was wrong with me and chased me abroad.
I got back home and tried to be heedless but my heart beat wouldnt lease me, so i ran back audibly this time around to a bring up in the area, first thing she asked was kilode o wo bata ni? (for what cause don’t you have your shoes forward? I told her jackie chan ti gba bata lowo mi (jackie chan collected my shoes) i was in the end able to explain my situation to her and she took me in, tied a thing around my elbow and injected me openly in the vein. I passed confused immediately only to wake around 1 or 2am in the something intermediate of the night with the subjugate kind of hunger I have till doomsday felt in my life. I ate a sum loaf of butter field bread in undivided sitting without butter or tea.
I came home to a principal character’s welcome, my friend told me e have ~ing like say your head no import am but e go better perform you try am once more with equal rea~n you go dey use to it. The following set time while the house was empty, I packed my Ghana must go and like the prodigal son in the the word of god I went back home to my parents. It’s been a scarcely any years since that experience but the reproof I learnt is an unforgettable individual. My curiosity hasn’t gotten me in misfortune again and my circle of friends obtain since changed.
My Advice: Don’t Ever Do Drugs.
GIST NUMBER 2
MY PEPPER TALE
This gist wey I wan give una happen to me earlier this week in which case preparing for my mum’s birthday social as semblage.. So as the chief cook, i fair dey feel myself with my fried rice measure. I grated and diced all the ingredients and atarodo (pepper) was the highest. At that stage, i got in the way that pressed but i just dey hold am with style.
As I not at all fit hold am anymore, I run go toilet, I finished successfully and came at a loss of the bathroom feeling so relieved and cheerful, as I just take six greater degree of steps, gbese come start ooh because of my main part, i just begin to dey feel like say deuce don open department of hell vivacity for my anus.
Chai, i ~t one fit waka again ooh, I even-handed sit down for ground, na for this reason I come flash back say I nay wash my pepper hand before I practice the toilet ooh… At that time i correct shout “ayaf die ooh”.
My sister tend hitherward rush ask wetin happen, as I reduce to law she laugh fall for ground except it wasn’t getting funny again. She arrive help me go room, I offload my long begin fan my private. Later, i approach enter bathroom wash the place suitably before the pain finally subsided, my clan I saw hell on earth ooh.
My sister later gisted aggregate my family members and till affix a ~ to i am still called pepper anus. (lol)
GIST NUMBER 3
G.R.A RESTAURANT GIST
My mate BVS I hail o. Make I bestow u one funny experience I had freshly in Ilorin; I and my intimate dey go tanke (Unilorin area) jejely o, we draw near pass G.R.A and craving appetite don hammer us wella, we advance see one restaurant they build am like total this African hut, it has a thatched cover sef, but the inside fine die, A.C dey, very particular waitress and big men and oyinbo the bulk of mankind dey there… since I don fair mention G.R.A, you should apprehend d kinda people you will beware there na.
We enter, society for pounded yam and efo riro with meat and ponmo, We chop elaboration, bill enter, I saw a toy of close to 4k, I was like the waiter should go, I will get back to him, Me and my loved come sit down dey reason wetin we mince, We see pounded yam, wey nay suppose pass #50, na for interior leave sef them wrap am o, none be nylon, per 1 na #300, I ate pair, my friend ate 3, unto affirm d pounded yam small, Bottle water #50 for town, them sell am #150, we bought 1 cropped land, meat or ponmo #200 each.
That is the ~ and foremost restaurant that I will see, wey them set out sell soup for u, I sha mention say as I dey chop d vegetable soup, I see, dried fish, laggard, edo, shaki, assorted sha, Me and my intimate they happy say, this restaurant na in a more excellent way, we no know say dem dey sell the soup ni, My friend broth na #700 my own na #800, unto say me, I dey chop soup, in the way that I asked for more while erosive… na there I drop forming o, My shore, I carry d bill go converge them, say how them go they sell food and sell soup join that d broth is supposed to be free or on the supposition that I can’t afford to pay in favor of soup, they will just give me sole pounded yam to eat?
They were like: “ma, that’s for what cause it’s done here, if you were a methodical customer you would have known” I support shame, go siddon back.
The warranty man don dey look me like somebody wey him go beat, and proceed I no lie, I no secure money, na towards end of semester in such a manner student don broke, Na him my loved talk say ” busayo, shey we none go wash plate abi do cleaner to this place today like this “I say lai lai (never), e no go happen, na him I compass shoulder up, go meet them argue, shey Una they operate POS them take for granted “yes ma”, luckily for me, mumsie sent me 5k a sunshine before Buh I no wan vanish d money anyhow, they sha deducted d riches from my account, as I dey note my pin, I dey smile on the surface but for inside I dey give an account of myself ” Busayo shey u see pronounce u be werey, money wey u imagine carry go market, buy food stuffs, falsify soup wey u go chop because 1 week, na him u gain chop for one afternoon, another noise they talk, even if d feel ~ don catch you, why you single out, G.R.A of all places to ingest “, I sha bone face, go back to my fix, tell my friend ” Nike Oya contribute we dey go” My friend tell, shey u don pay ni, I assume yes.
She said, friendship mii unto say u don pay, we must not be reckoned just like that, Say Shebi them advertisement us for watching t.v, collecting A.C as far as concerns body, for security wey open door for us, e.t.c , na for what cause d money plenty like that, I was like Yea, maybe.
Na that day I know tell my friend get serious werey (confuse) for head, She first of total carry all d chilli Peper, muriate of soda nd toothpick wey they our plain put for bag , Enter toilet, use up their soap and hand sanitizer in any case, open the tap down make d water they waste, Go wash hand basin, they emit their soap and wash hand anyhow , After that, she they do like living body wey dey receive call, they catch network in and out of the eating-house, so the security go dey exposed door, that’s his own penalty for frowning at us when he design we had no money, She draw near say make d waiter no innocent our table so people go apprehend say, we don buy plenty fodder, she then talk say we be~ne collect A.C and watch t.v to the time of our eye pepper us.
Come call on as people they look us, But we in ~ degree send, After all that, my loved go another table pack their saline, chili pepper and tooth pick, compel for bag, that one go have ~ing my own share, Na after that she get to say, Oya make we dey circumstance, That we just got our riches’s worth, Since that day, if I dey pass G.RA na to dey throwaway meet ~ to ~ o, abi make I dey bear heavily my phone.
GIST NUMBER 4
On Sunday, I attended common event like that in V.I, i get to see dis my old class confound in school, we were quite bring to a period back then but lose contact after we left school. We come dey substance about old times, she come gain up one embarrassing incident like dat, we com cachinnate wella. I reach house, chop viands finish come sit down dey tink with respect to that incident wey we laugh near.
The gist be say, One of our friends since class been invite us to her brother’s nuptial rites. The night before the event, my loved talk say make we drink agbo jedi (pertaining mixture) wey go purge our toast so that space go dey to contain enough food. We don dey sur~ up the semester as exam dey draw near so we don broke well well, nutrition don dey finish for house. We project say we go eat well well as being the party, use poly bag accomplish plenty food come house and too collect enough gifts, if possible snare up wit some nice and copious bobo too.
Naso we drink agbo jedi that darkness, come begin purge early in d break of day around 4am, we purge till dat kain10am, we reach take flagyl to stop am in the manner that we don weak. Around 12pm, we dress in dress finish arrange poly bag wey we fare put food, come begin go the welcome.
We reach there, call our intimate, she com outside com carry us register as we no wear aso ebi, we abide down cross leg. Dem first have a portion small chops and chapman, we press on am, later dem share roasted chicken thinking principle juice, we rush am, com divisible by two collect like two extra plates one and the other , put am inside poly bag subject to our chair. We later collect abundance gifts put dem inside one fancy bag wey dem share.
Time touch in extent for d main menu, come descry different kind of food, semo, amala, fried rice, salad, jollof, ewedu, egusi,etc. The cheer dem big no be small, we chew and swallow well, we com pack food replete inside our polybag. Around5pm, I recount this girl say make we originate go house, she say noo, invent we wait small whether dem ~ on foot share more gifts. We sit into disrepute dey wait, small time, I aroma one kind odour like shit, i get to tell my friend, she say maybe sombody mess(fart). I come critical review say na one yansh she take remain down for chair, i come mention one by one her say make she talk loyal, she come say the purging don start again
and the thing get to be like mess, as she decide make she mess am na him shit follow com out .
Chai, dis unit na gbege o, people don dey put a ~ing on nose dey look around. I no fit run leave her, a friend in need…dem come call ushers discover dem. The ushers come begin exploration everywhere, dem come reach our set, dem say make we stand up journey dem check the polybag wey dey below our chair, na dere my loved come burst cry, come dey pray for dem say na she dey smell shit, say she dey purge and na miscellany she wan mess wey shit approach out. Chai! He be like repeat make i disappear comot for dere. Dem anathematize me and my friend so tey, dem tend hitherward say make dem check the poly bag whether na shit we store express for inside, dem see different subsistence. “Ole, thief, onijekuje, why una not at all go shit for body? Food wey ~t any reach some people, una chop quality begin purge, una still pack replete inside polythene bag”. Dem com sieze the poly wallet and all the gifts wey we bring together, come push us comot for the plaintiff or defendant. The
girl wey invite us in ~ degree talk to us till we achieve exam come vacate school that semester.
Hmmn, my populace, i no want make the pith get episodes that is why the transaction long, make una no vex.
GIST NUMBER 5
FALSE ARMED ROBBER ALERT
One fateful ignorance while were sleeping between 2am-3am, we heard someone shouting and knocking loud on our neighbor’s/landlord’s means of access. Immediately, we all became alert in our building thinking the noise was from armed robbers.
My dad tiptoed into our room(I and my siblings) and started whispering to us observation we should keep quiet.
My ranking sister who is now married turned to request warrior(with rosary and bible) my dad was also in one corner praying. I was suitable in one corner moping and begging God in my opinion to forgive me all my sins (in sheathe they killed me). Throughout this time we all kept tip toeing to the ~-table in turns and urinating into the inferior bowl we use for bathing in the van of pouring it gently into the attire (this was to avoid making sound). There was nothing I did not imagine that night.
After a while, the noise stopped except we couldn’t sleep well until morning. It was the next sunshine that we found out the vociferation came from a man who came to bribe drugs for his sick son(the landlady is a nourish). We were lucky that my silent traveled. If not, it would wish been a different story.
GIST NUMBER 6
BREAD AND EGG WAHALA
Abeg, I cadaverous knack you and my fellow BVs, this tori ooooo, like I remember am I dey laughter, if I win the N5, 000, it won’t have ~ing a bad idea oooo, lol. I never see time write am since because of my exams.
TO THE MAIN GIST
A hardly any weeks back, it rained in the forenoon, so I was late. As I wan park for office, my phone ring, grrrrrrrinnnn, in the same manner with I look am, na our place number, my heart don cut argue, maybe my Madam dey call me, EMATT (Electronic Madam At The Top… being of the cl~s who one of my colleague who introduced me to this blog dey elect am), lol.
As I ~ out am, na our Receptionists R… and G… , “Aunty J… we dey be of service buy Bread and Fried Eggs, through Breakfast Coffee, we wan find off whether you go buy” na in that place my set up start ooooo. R and G sabi ~ing I like Bread and fried Eggs, well well and R sabi compose the breakfast coffee, very creamy during the term of me.
Before I park last, dem don come downstairs, before you pronounce “Jack Robinson”, I don press on out of the car, carry currency give them. When dem return, I enjoyed my flour and carried on the business of the promised time as usual. Meanwhile, I be dey prepare as far as concerns my seminar presentation for school that daytime . Around 4 pm, I carry my things, (I dey agree early on the days I swallow to school) to go pick up mu daughter, very little her with my aunt and stamina to school. Na so I enter upon find my car key, I rebuff my bag, bring our everything, like 3 not the same times, begin pray sef, say every plan of the devil to find me go late for my appearance, catch fire.
All my colleagues dress in begin follow me find the car, including a BV, then be Iya Ibeji, she carry her swollen belle, come follow me check everywhere ooooo, where you put key, I take for granted, I usually keep it on my desk or my reticule. I begin demonstrate, think how I take climb up in the morning, sign record, ehen, I was holding the key na, be on the point reception, check for where?
I was before that time planning to beg my colleagues tell if na prank, today no have existence day for pranks oooo, I haggard go do crèche runs, before I get you ~ne school for presentation, because, for my place, dem sabi dat kain prank. (na in this way one day dem hide one of my Male co-operator wallet, I no dey office ooo, limit as dem gist me, I laughter ooo – story for another lifetime).
WAITTTTTTT, my mind say abi, you slight key inside car, I say NEVER, to what degree na, I never forget key interior car before. My mind say, reasonable check to be sure. Na for a like rea~n I rush downstairs, as I gain downstairs, the key was still in the ignition, e stay small, I for no off engine, because of egg and bread chai….
Na in the same manner me and my receptionist and my Male Colleague, Mr. P… phase to panel beater oooo, any plan of conduct, we brought out the key ourselves ( don’t desire me how oooo). I jump internal motor go pick up my infant. go school. As I dey spree, my Colleague send me text express ” .. tomorrow you go still confer longer throat for bread and fried eggs..” I burst laugh ehen.
My Fellow BVs take care ooo, until next time.
Amebo Lawyer, looool.
GIST NUMBER 7
BBM DP DISGRACE
There is a incubus in my heart and I desideratum to let it all out!
On BBM ehn boys be able to lie! Let me tell you which I used to do before. I would spirit on Google and search for “Pretty girls’ pictures” Then I would download copiousness pictures of fine babes!
Almost each day I would put one of the pictures up since DP and on my Pm I would indite something like “Thanks hun for showing up today! Had for a like rea~n much fun!” “Or it was countless hanging out with you darl” Girls that I didn’t understand from Adam! Most of them are not in like manner Nigerians! Guys used to respect me! They would lawful be pinging me to organize babe for them. I loved the notice men! Until one day I precisely used this fine girl’s represent.
Then I updated my pm since usual “Thanks baby for showing up at my doorstep and singing with me! Sure had a great time! See you tomorrow like you promised. *KISS*”
(Now weeping) I just noticed that my contacts started deleting me human being after the other without even saw goodbye. Me that I had within a little a thousand contacts all of a unanticipated, just had barely 10 and loudly of the 10, 9 of them are not functional. Only conducive to me to get a call from RIM that they meagreness to delete me too!
So right at that time *wipes tears* i want to publicly offer an excuse to my gone contacts to please reach back! I didn’t know it was Aaliyah (the yankee musician that unmistakably died 12years ago). Please forgive me *lamenting* I wont do it again!
GIST NUMBER 8
THE LANDLORD’S DAUGHTER
My amebo marrow is about my cousin ..I went to examine my cousin at Port Harcourt viewed like I hear he don hammer (similar to typical naija bred’ I go act I collect my own share of the national cake; I no fit shout joor). Na in the way that my cousin come dey gist me in what state he go to formally ask his nursling’s parents for her hand in spousals.It happens that my cousin used to be his babe’s papa tenant during his university’s days about 7 years ~ne. Na so my cousin come recreate the man’s memory about him, d married ~ come happy o say yes dat he remembered him dat he was a prosperity tenant; he never brought girls to his bargain with bla bla bla say he dress in agree dat his daughter should be~ne ahead and marry him.
My cousin thanked him and of the same kind with all of them (my cousin, his intimate, his babe , his babe’s parents and 2 brothers) arrive dey chop d sweet jollof rice d mama prepare na im suddenly!!! the papa come drop his spoon in a dramatic usage come say dat as at 7 years past his daughter dey secondary school dat time ,that, that income say my cousin dey do “backyard” things by his ‘then underaged’ daughter. My Cousin and his baby come dey explain say na without more 2 years ago dey started dating o on the contrary d papa no gree hear o. He give an account of my cousin make he give am time to intellectual powers d thing as he no too trust him again. Lol
I approach ask my cousin if he was doing anything through d girl dat time..na likewise he stammer say ‘they were straightforward friends’ dat she was in ss1 therefore..hehe he!! I come give him dat Stella ‘ s “my assurance the entire time” look. ..He reach vex say make I leave him alone…lol
P/s: incase I arrive 5k pls donate it to that institute bag charity organisation people. .Thank ma.
GIST NUMBER 9
BOARDING HOUSE GHOST
My amebo is to the degree that narrated by my elder sister that attended boarding mansion.
During their night prep around 8pm to 10pm, they are formerly sent out by their house mistress because some of them don’t like going to the class to read.so on this fateful exhilarated night, her best friend Shade (not veritable name) has put on this pure local powder (stone-like which needs to be mashed and mixed by water to make a paste). She had pasted it every part of over her face and neck and indisputable she is not going to the class as she wanted to sleep, in the same state my sis and her other friends left her in the hostel.
Unfortunately, NEPA seized the day~ around 9pm or so and cos of the joylessness and loneliness, Shade decided to be esteemed and join them.that is at what place the kasala began o.
She left destitute of washing the powder off her confidence. On her way through the shrub path from the hostel to the classroom, there were two other students ahead.she indisputable to walk a bit faster to at in the smallest degree be closer to them for concourse cos of the lonely path. They turned right and left and saw someone coming close to them, they started shouting GHOST o GHOST o at the same time running for their lives (their instruct, all girls,located at the purlieu of the town…..previous episodes of ghosts and witches……)
They started running towards the classroom on this account that that’s their only succor and the only way. As Shade turned back to regard the ghost, she found nothing, kai, she over joined them in running. Even other students they met without interrupti~ their way back had no option than to turn back likewise as they don’t know the kind of the race is about. To them, the apparition is pursuing them, but to Shade, she is proper one of them running away from the ghost not knowing she is the shade. The more they run, the further the ghost is following them o until they got to the classroom to what there were torchlights and lamps in the sight of they realized it was “SHADE ,THE GHOST”. the other students in the rank burst out in laughter .
That was whenever the racers and even shade realized who the ghost was and that was the after all the rest day Shade put on that limited powder on her face.
Hope it split y’all up. It’s been into the bargain 15yrs now and I still cachinnate anytime I think about it or reminds my sister ready it.
All the people who sent in these gists should subsist counting comments in their favour,please if you win,send me mail and we volition take it from there as by means of the prize.I have emptied my inbox and dont hold your mails anymore.
These pieces may well solicit to harmoniously exist together while using existing prospect or they functions as a quick piece meant to surprise the viewer.