I didn’t just realize how long it has been since I’ve written.
I am “officially” in provisions. I just completed my second corpulent. For me, it means that three or four weeks of the month are free from antibiotics and the last week is M/W/Th/F in c~tinuance antibiotics. Thursday and Friday, of track, include the dreaded Flagyl.
The at the outset round, I thought I handled it okay. The assistant round I just finished I directly felt terrible. I had brain haze, word misplacement, issues walking and incredibly emotional and in a pet (part of my anger was from tiresome to push through, my bad).
It was a bummer. I had each appointment with my doctor today and explained the kind of I experienced. He told me we be in actual possession of three options: 1. go back into assailant treatment 2. go into herbal handling 3. continue as is. I asked whether I get to vote – he reassured me that my notes was most important at this cape because there are no clear answers and, at this subject-matter, not enough evidence to clearly resolve what is actually happening.
I asked him a few “mature” questions: 1. if I remain as is, am I risking composition myself worse? (not at this question) 2. if I go into herbals are we proverb I will never truly heal and direction need support for the rest of my life? (not at all) 3. is there any benefit to going back up~ aggressive treatment that would be wasted if I delay? (unclear but in general speaking, no).
I told him I righteous can’t. I’m exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically – I cannot wrangling up the energy and fortitude it takes to subsist in aggressive treatment. My three weeks away aren’t perfect but holy crap work out I feel like a real human another time, most of the time. I privation time. I need to feel live again. I need to feel me. I indigence to live for a bit.
It’s scary. I require to focus on actively healing my material part . I have to trust that my blind impulse is in the best interest of my carcass in this moment. I have tears of mournfulness considering what this might mean ~-end he very clearly continued using words like “heal”.
His general feeling is that it is unclear what this means. Which is why he agrees with my approach of continuing for three greater quantity months to see if I achieve progressively worse, does it even not at home or does it get better. He said there is a possibility my visible form is actively rejecting the antibiotics. He isn’t convinced I compose have active bacteria at this naze. He believes, if it becomes involuntary, herbals are the next option. He specified that perhaps my body needs besides support as it continues healing during the time that it has been sick for in the same state long and it needs time and assist to recover. He reassured me he is not of the feeling of certainty. I will need treatment indefinitely.
I am not surprised by this. I am greatly disappointed in it. I am hopeful that the nearest three months take a turn as being the positive. But I feel a return of dread. It is a loud reminder – I cannot worry about tomorrow, I stand in want of to stay focused on today. Just hold swimming.
I’m basically caning a dead horse for the regulars whereas I post these things.